Usually when I write about literature, I try to add something constructive to the discourse. This isn’t one of those pieces.
There will be bile. And caps lock.
:(
I recently finished reading Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84. Having been a fan of other, shorter, pieces of his, such as Norwegian Wood and What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, and having read an obscene amount of reviewergush for his latest novel, I was looking forward to spending an extended period with him.
‘Extended’ is definitely the operative word here. Clocking in at over 1100 pages, I reckon I must have spent at least thirty hours in this book’s world. Having now finished, it feels like a complete and utter waste. A book hasn’t made me this angry since I finished reading Life of Pi.
GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE
It was like going on holiday with an elderly relative who has a tendency to just spout off whatever came to their mind. At first, it is an interesting insight into another world. Toward the end, you just wish they would shut the fuck up.
I’ll warn you now, there’s going to be a lot of spoilers in this piece. The way I see it, if you went to a restaurant and ordered a surprise dish that was actually just a turd on a plate, you’d want someone to inform you that you were about to indulge in a hearty serving of turd on a plate.
Let’s begin.
The book revolves around Tengo and Aomame, two people in Tokyo who never actually spoke to each other but once held hands when they were ten. They now spend a ludicrous amount of time thinking about that moment. For fuck’s sake, guys. Watch ‘The Wonder Years’, feel a bit of childhood nostalgia, and get on with your sodding lives.
“WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE?” I DON’T KNOW BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T READ 1Q84, YOU TONE DEAF TINKER
On a side note, Aomame’s name sounds a lot like ‘edamame’. This is a type of green bean that is often served in Japan. The novel points this out a lot. You know when Russell Howard shouts out a punchline and expects you to laugh, but it’s not funny? Yeah, that’s pretty much every Aomame/edamame joke. I’m sure it was totes funnier in the original Japanese.
LOLOLOLOL IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’RE VEGETABLES
It’s not just green beans either. Ohh food. You’ll hear a lot about food. Food. Food. Fucking food. Murakami goes to great lengths to outline what food Tengo and Aomame are preparing. Read with bated breath as you discover just how Tengo is preparing the seaweed to accompany his basic, healthy meal. Is Aomame going to use soy sauce? OH THE SUSPENSE IS BLOODY KILLING ME.
It’s like Murakami was suffering from a writer’s block, and decided that cook books would be his muse. I now feel so well-versed in Japanese cuisine that I would be shit hot on Iron Chef.
“Come nibble on my bell pepper”
Anyhow, they both get transported into this world which looks exactly like our world, but it has two moons. Aomame does this by walking down some stairs. Tengo does this by collaborating with this girl who escaped from a cult, and writing a novel about a world with two moons. Sounds shit, if you ask me. Glad I didn’t have to read it.
OH BUT WAIT I DID! Because Tengo now finds himself in this world! And and guess what? There are some supernatural beings called ‘Little People’ that come out of people’s mouths and build air chrysalises and occasionally go ‘ho ho!’ What are ‘air chrysalises’? Fucked if I know. They’re like, these things, and sometimes people can be transported in them, but not always, and sometimes they glow, but not always. The one thing I can tell you is that you’ll be none the wiser by the end.
Tengo and Aomame realise that some weird hoodoo has gone down, and that they are no longer in the year 1984. Aomame refers to it as ‘1Q84’. Tengo refers to this world as ‘the Cat Town’. You can see why the publishers chose the former for the title.
“I CAN HAS GOOD REVIEWZ!?”
Anyhow. A load of shit happens. A lot of meals get cooked. A few people die.
1050 pages later…
Tengo and Aomame finally meet. By this point, Aomame is pregnant with Tengo’s child, even though they haven’t spoke for 20 years. Basically Tengo had sex with weird cult girl during a thunderstorm, while Aomame was killing the shit out of some cult leader. Somehow, probably by quantum entanglement, Tengo’s sperm was able to transport itself from weird cult girl’s vagina and into Aomame’s uterus.
Aomame says to Tengo ‘YOU MY BABY DADDY!’ (I’m paraphrasing). Tengo be all like ‘aw sheeeeit! No way! YOU MY BABY MOMMA?’ Bollocks to that. I’d be all over that with a paternity test if someone tried to go all Virgin Mary on my ass.
Tengo and Aomame THEN have sex, go up some stairs, and arrive back in the world with one moon. Brilliant. 1100 pages later, and I realise I’ve basically been reading the plot to most 80’s kids shows. Cunting hell.
WILL THEY EVER GET HOME? I REALLY DON’T CARE. I STOPPED CARING 500 PAGES AGO.
I could go on, but I won’t. I’ve made my point. You hear that, Murakami? I’m exercising self-restraint in my writing.
There is a difference between not making a story overly contrived by tying up every loose end, and not knowing how the hell to end it. 1Q84 falls firmly in the second category. I liked the ending of The Sopranos. I know that real life doesn’t have little story arcs that tie up nicely at the end. But shit. I read a story because I want a story. I want a piece of craftsmanship. I want something that is able to stand up as more than the sum of its constituent parts. If I want to go “what the fuck just happened?”, I’ll watch the news thankyouverymuch.
I kept reading to the end. Kept the faith alive. I’m pretty stubborn and I like to finish books. “Don’t worry Liam. The ending will make it right. The ending will explain everything. The ending will make you feel that this wasn’t a mack off waste of your time.” Nah. It didn’t.
In a rare moment of self-awareness, the novel points to Chekov’s ‘unfired gun’ principle: if a gun is brought into a story, it must be fired. Of course, Chekov wasn’t just commenting on Chris Ryan novels, he was talking about plot elements. He’s basically saying: if you bring something into a plot, you’d better be damn sure how you’re going to use it.
1Q84 decided to ignore this sensible piece of advice.
What happened to Tengo’s older mistress? What were the Little People doing with that air chrysalis at the end? Why is Aomame so fixated on her friends’ tits? Why did that cult want the baby in Aomame’s belly? What happened to Fuka Eri? Why did that minor character in the Cat Town say all of those knowing things to Tengo? Who are the Little People? Where did Tengo’s weird editor bugger off to? Who was the supernatural NHK collector knocking on all of the main characters’ doors? Why did a ten year old Aomame, floating in an air chrysalis, just appear on grown-up Tengo’s father’s deathbed? What in the actual…?
This plot had more unfired guns than a confiscated IRA stockpile.
In ‘The Hollow Men’, T.S. Eliot says that the world ends not with a bang, but a whimper. 1Q84’s world ended with neither a bang nor a whimper. Bangs and whimpers in literature are singular actions, bringing something to a neat close. 1Q84 ended by flailing its arms around frantically, screaming and gasping for air whilst spraying shit and piss every which way. That’s 1100 pages of my life I’m never getting back.
For fuck’s sake, Murakami, get an editor or some brutally honest friends.
